the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
