Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
