i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
