He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
