We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
