I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
