Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
