I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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