I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
