i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
