you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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