I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
