3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
