Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
