You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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