Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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