Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
