i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
