i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
