my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Everything about him screamed your future.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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