i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
