im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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