I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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