i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
God I need to hump something, right now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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