Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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