She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think i got beer on your cat.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
