Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize