I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
