im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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