Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
