i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
