you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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