i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize