The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm eating all of the evidence.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
