I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize