Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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