shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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