its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
