Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if only i could text you this smell
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
