How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
