i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
