So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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