Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
