my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
