So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
