After last night, I could never be a politician.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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