I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
