We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
