I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize