my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm having to shit out rocks
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
