i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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