I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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