I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize