i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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