The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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