12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
