I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
