what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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