how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize