I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
