Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
