he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
