I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
