So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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