Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
